my YaoiFiction series!!!

i feel so happy!
Why?
i get to finished my story... (though blood and tears is still in progress-STUCK actually)
I got birthday present from my Oneechan! Yuhuuuu! (though my birthday is on the 20th)...
i'm still happy!

P/S: coming up next on my YaoiFiction series will be Silent Kiss (suicide story) and Deep Water's Love (a love story between a merman and a human). Can't wait to get started!

Your Winning World

though i've taken many wrong paths and experienced a lot of downfall in my life,
i still haven't learnt from my mistakes...
why am i still letting those people to break my heart?
why am i so weak?
why can't i fight this urge to cry?
why am i still pretending to be okay?
what's wrong with me?
this time, i'll be honest with myself and tell you all how i really feel...

i'm really broken-hearted.
i feel used and jaded....
at first, i never thought that i could ever feel all that.
it's really painful having to feel this.
you use me like a toy for a moment of joy in your life...
i'm not just another girl that you 'get' or who had fallen for your lies,
i'm just another heart being broken by you...
and you seem to enjoyed it...
i don't understand the world that you're living in...
but, in my world, hearts are supposed to be pure
love supposed to make you happy
and life supposed to get better
people supposed to take care of one another
lovers supposed to love each other without straying from faithfulness
moments supposed to be cherished
but all of these things, i could not reached...
i guess my world never exist...
.... and your world had won..
Congratulations on winning!
if you're satisfied with what you did, with your world,
be happy to know that my coffin will touches the ground of six feet under as you held your winner's throphy...

4 years ago....

that was the moment when i asked myself, "How long will this last?"
being in happiness for so long; it's impossible for it to stay that way forever...
i knew somehow that it's going to end but somehow now i wish that i never asked that to myself...
three years feeling no pain, as if everything were so perfect...
now that i had ended, how long will this pain last?

Suicide...

i do thought of commiting suicide...
but somehow i am still alive...
i took the knife trying to slit my wrist but my hand shakes...
i cut it but not deep enough, it only turns out to be scratches...
it hurts though when it hits water...
i guess i am just afraid...
it's the fear that stopped me from doing it...
i guess those who had commited suicide was fearless and really do got nothing to lose...
but, i am in fear... i am in fear to my God... i am in fear of losing my life...
the only way to get my suicide is by writing it down...
it's funny to think how writing had saved my life...

Unsettled Feelings

well, i used to ask him to carry me as his burden no matter how heavy i am...
but now, i'm not sure of my feelings anymore...
i do think about him but not as much as before. it's like my world no longer revolves around him.
before i sleep, i would think of him but i always find ways to deverse my thought...
i guess, i had lost my faith in him...
from now on, whatever will be, will be...

This is me...

Nick name: n1kk1evil, lay rules, nikky, pretty suicide

Those are my names. Well none of them are my real names anyway. It's just what people know me in the internet.

Here is the place where i would express my feelings and thoughts on everything..

Thanks...