It was on that fateful day at the end of the year 2006 when it all started. It was supposed to be a very meaningful day of celebration for my people but it turns out to be a meaningful day of pain to me and my family.
It was the first day of Aidil Fitri and my parents got in a huge fight that leads to their divorce. At first, we all started to look at it on the bright side. We thought that we could get more money when our parents got divorce by asking from both of them allowances. Yes, it is pretty bright on that side of the horizon. But, there’s an unknown darker horizon heading towards our heart.
It’s painful… It’s not only your mom or dad who would feel the pain. The children’s involved will also feel the pain. And I feel that pain.
I remember those times when my dad used to go out at night to meet his friends, I would always be sitting in front of the TV waiting for him to come back. But, this time, I will not wait because I know that my dad won’t be entering that door anymore. It’s just the pain of knowing that the comfort you used to feel when he’s around would no longer be felt by you. Things will never be the same again. I wasn’t the same…
At first, I started to flunk in my exams and be rude or anti-social to the people surrounding me. Then, I went to clubs to have fun and try to forget about it all and I even flirt around with boys and lose myself. But after a while, the pain still did not ease. It only got worst. I felt more of the distance. I just wish that things would just go back to the way it was. I just wish that daddy is still there for me. I just wish that I won’t end-up like this.
There, I just felt so empty. Nothing’s inside… I don’t feel anything and I don’t care about anything. I don’t mind failing, I don’t mind being in love and breaking up, and I don’t mind being alone. And finally, I took the razor and slit my wrist. For the first time after being lost for so long, I think I’ve found my home. It’s that razor… I cut just to feel alive or simply just to feel anything at all. I can forget but soon after that, I also regret it. It didn’t do me any good. It drew people away from me and I also drew myself away from people. Now, I really am alone, just the way I wanted it to be. I left home, I left my mom, I lost contact with my dad, and I live a lonely life.
But, in my heart, they are always there. Who can really forget the times when mom and dad were surprising you on your birthday right after you got back from school by bus with a cake already there on the table including such perfect signature; “Happy Birthday. Love, mom and dad”. Those are such beautiful memories that will never be forgotten by me.
Right now, I am still in the path of improving myself. I’m seeing a counselor in order to help me deal with my self-mutilation. And I’m writing songs, producing music in order to stop myself from doing unnecessary things, it’s just some kind of a therapy and well, I just got talent with music. And I am going back to see my mom soon and look for my dad in the near future. Some things that happened would just crush you down on the floor and broke you into a million pieces. When you’re broken, you can’t see things clearly. Your sight is broken. But as time grew and your sight is renewed, then you’ll see the brighter side of that dark past and just as my people said, there’s must be reasons for things to happen. And the reasons are good. I know more of how pain lets you know that you are alive and I thanked my pain for that.
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